A Testimony By A Witness and Slave of Yeshua Ha Mashiac
G3140 martureo mar-too-reh’-o -from G3144; to be a witness, i.e. testify (literally or figuratively).
John 10; 25 Jesus answered them, “I told you, and you do not believe; the works that I do in My Father’s name, these testify of Me. 26 But you do not believe because you are not of My sheep. 27 My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me; 28 and I give eternal life to them, and they will never perish; and no one will snatch them out of My hand. 29 My Father, who has given them to Me, is greater than all; and no one is able to snatch them out of the Father’s hand. 30 I and the Father are one.”
I pray in the Name of Yeshua, that the Holy Spirit in whose charge Your maidservant resides…lead me in this work, to accurately testify. I take what I recall, what I experienced, all the emotions, all the reality, all the wonder and all the memories that I can muster and leave them on this page. I express this testimony for the sole purpose of giving glory to my Maker and the Master of the Universe. For He chose me from the foundations of all to be His child, and no power in heaven or on earth will remove me from the commission with which I have been charged by Him…aside from Him alone. To Him I entrust my entire being and to His will I surrender everything I am and all that He has given unto me.
Ephesians 1; 3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places in Christ, 4 just as He chose us in Him before the foundation of the world, that we would be holy and blameless before Him. In love 5 He predestined us to adoption as sons through Jesus Christ to Himself, according to the kind intention of His will, 6 to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved.
“When were you saved?” That is a question, but is it the best question to ask first? In my case the better way to start would be: “When did you ‘meet’ God?”
I did nothing, God did everything and it was He who through some unimaginably compassionate design…met me. He came in fire and in smoke to a little girl longing for answers. Not the same fire and smoke which thundered in glory on the Mountain when the divine words of life were given to mankind…or was it? Then was vast, brilliant and astounding…this was a tiny candle flickering. I slumped on the couch and gazed at the golden beam shimmering from atop the magenta mulberry holiday scented tealight. This was supposed to be a happy time, a time of celebration and reverence…it was Christmas and I was down in the dumps. This was the year I had discovered, through my own stubborn questioning and persistence, that Santa Claus was “more of a feeling” than a reality. Something that had once brought me so much joy and anticipation now left me questioning more than fact and myth…it made me wonder about my faith. “Faith?” You might ask, what kind of faith can a first-second grader possibly have?
My parents and church family did a great job, because I knew about God and Jesus. I knew the bible was important and I believed what I was taught. I felt the holy spirit (before I even knew of Him definitively) when I would sing in church and when he would reach in and touch my heart. The account of Yeshua’s birth was beautiful to me but for some reason around the Holiday season it was a different account I always focused in on. No matter how happy I was meant to be I always thought so much about his death. I thought about his choice to die for me and how much he had to suffer. It hit me deeper and deeper each year as I grew. Of course I knew about his resurrection but that was an element I didn’t concentrate on at this age, I couldn’t really understand that part of it yet. But, I did in some way understand the concept of his pain and death. In that flame I saw him hanging, bleeding on the cross and the tears began to stream down my face. It was a silent sadness and deep, not the kind that wails and moans…the kind that tears open your deepest heart. For some time it had become clear I was a passionate girl with very high heights of emotion and very, very low depths of depression. These attributes would follow me through life and intensify. This was a time of a low so dark it apparently meant enough to my King to come to me then and there…in that tiny flame and wafting smoke. Everything stopped around me yet I was there. I and that flame. I heard it clearly and it filled me up. I will never forget it because it is the same ‘communication’ I had with Him later in life which I will describe as God permits.
I can’t say what it ‘sounded’ like, I can’t really describe what I felt…I can not say it was this word or that because it wasn’t necessarily words at all. I can describe what He told my heart:
“I am real.” “I am true.” “You can believe in me.” “I love you.” “You are mine.”
I don’t know what the saga of growing up for me would add to this testimony. I don’t want this to be foremost about me. I grew, I learned, I struggled, I had happiness and pain. All the while I was aware of God and I believed He was existent. I prayed very, very frequently. I prayed as a young girl for things I desired to appear, I believed if I prayed intently and frequently enough,the puppy I prayed for would someday appear in the little ‘bed’ I made on the foot of my own bed. I really believed that, and I never was disappointed in God that it didn’t happen. Eventually I realized that is not what we are to pray for and about.
I John 5;13 These things I have written to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know that you have eternal life. 14 This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. 15 And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him.
I prayed when my little sister got hurt, this particular time it was entirely my fault, she had cut her head open and it was bleeding. We were at a friends house and her parents rushed into the room, they tended to her head while I fell on my face and prayed and prayed passionately for the Lord to heal her and for nothing bad to come of it. I remember their faces as they watched me. I know they were an oriental family who had little to no witness of Jesus and had their own cultural and religious images,etc up in their home. Their exposure to this sort of supplication to a power able to answer physically was something alien to them. I don’t know what they thought but they knew how sorry I was and that for whatever reason, she ended up just fine. Maybe it wasn’t as bad of a cut as I felt it was at the time, but I remember that experience. I was in fourth grade.
Psalm 91; 14 “Because he has loved Me, therefore I will deliver him; I will set him securely on high, because he has known My name. 15 “He will call upon Me, and I will answer him; I will be with him in trouble; I will rescue him and honor him.16 “With a long life I will satisfy him and let him see My salvation.”
H3444 yshuw`ah yesh-oo’- something saved, i.e. (abstractly) deliverance; hence, aid, victory, prosperity.
When I was a teenager I got involved in the youth group. I loved it so much. I loved it because it was fun and my parents who kept me on a tight leash allowed me to go and participate in the activities. Over all I took it relatively lightly until one Winter Camp before eighth grade. They did an altar call every night after the sermon and every night I felt like I wanted to go up and ‘commit my life to Christ.’ But, the opportunity would pass. Then nearing the end of the trip, it may have even been the last night…I prayed and the Lord called me to move. I was shaking because it was all very real. I went alone knowing no one up there or anyone around me…afterwards my pastor held my hands and prayed with me expressing the depth of this commitment. I meant it, at the time. From that point on I felt strongly about my faith and wanted to further my relationship with God. I tried to set up a little group for after our designated bible studies outside our church and a few of my friends joined me. It was great, then came the chance to share a gift. I had believed the Lord gave me a gift of singing and I wanted so much to share it. It seemed ordained that there was an opening for the worship team in youth group and I was confident I would get the position. I really believed that I could step into that place and everything would flourish. It turned out that even though I had not, as of that moment in time, even done more than kiss a boy (which I now teach my children is not even acceptable for anyone aside from a future mate) that I was not appropriate enough to set an example in being on the worship team. I was devastated. I had been misjudged and I was truly heart broken. It changed me. The evil inclination overcame me and I definitely decided “Since I am already being labeled as this…I may as well live up to it.” Clearly, since making my “commitment to Christ” I had NOT been taught how to use my bible, how to apply my life to the Word, I had not been armed with how to overcome the evil inclination or even how to identify it. I had not been ministered to, the Pastors may have “made a disciple” but they didn’t teach me what that meant and I fell away. Far, far away.
Deuteronomy 32; 27 Had I not feared the provocation by the enemy, that their adversaries would misjudge, that they would say, “Our hand is triumphant, and the Lord has not done all this.”’ 28 “For they are a nation lacking in counsel, and there is no understanding in them. 29 “Would that they were wise, that they understood this, That they would discern their future!30 “How could one chase a thousand, and two put ten thousand to flight, Unless their Rock had sold them, And the Lord had given them up? 31 “Indeed their rock is not like our Rock Even our enemies themselves judge this. ”
What can I say, I rebelled big time. I got into terrible places with dangerous people making life threatening decisions. He kept me safe all that time. He kept me even though I was behaving in a repulsive manner. It was at my worst that I met my husband. He knew I needed help and he stayed with me. He married me and forgave me when I repeatedly betrayed him. Over and over I abrogated our marriage covenant and he chose to stay with me. I will never be able to thank God enough for the strength he gave him. I will never fully understand it, I am eternally in a state of wonder and awe because of what the Lord has brought me to and how He saw it all from High above the wretchedness. I started to really pay attention when I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter. I wanted to be better I wanted her to have a structure for her life. I was scared. I didn’t ever think I would be mother and I didn’t think I knew how to be, mother. It was my husbands mother who introduced us to living as a Biblical Believer in Yeshua HaMashiac (Jesus Christ-the Anointed Messiah).[Biblical Believer- in short this means we believe that God is a God of Oneness and not separation, that He is infallible and supreme. We believe the bible is a unit from Genesis to Revelation and that our blessing and duty as servants of the King is to submit to His authority and apply our lives to doing His will and both spiritually and physically working at a relationship with Him by keeping and safeguarding His commandments. We believe these commandments never change as He never changes and that Yeshua Himself is the Author of Life and all scripture, thus all of it is relevant and trustworthy. ] It was life changing realizing that there was so much we just weren’t paying attention to. There were so many things we had been missing out on for so long. My mother in law was the one who helped me when our daughter came into the world, she did everything for us all and then it was time for her to leave. I asked her, “What do I do, I don’t know what to do with my baby.” She just said, “Love her, just love her.” Good advice
Psalm 40;1 I waited patiently for the Lord; and He inclined to me and heard my cry. 2 He brought me up out of the pit of destruction, out of the miry clay, and He set my feet upon a rock making my footsteps firm. 3 He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God; many will see and fear and will trust in the Lord.
I went into a shock and withdrawal when my mother in law left and spiraled into a deep postpartum depression. I sought help and found it in the form of a woman who ministered to me and helped me on my journey of learning how to become a true disciple of Yeshua. She helped me face the facts of light and darkness not being able to ‘coexist’. She never judged the path I was on and never allowed theological differences to interfere with our fellowship. I learned and studied my bible, I tried to shed the guilt from my past and she helped me understand that the disposal of who I was before…the complete denial of my flesh is exactly what God wanted for me. Slowly I began to really see the words of the Torah become filled with light and color on the page…they were no longer rote passages or seemly accounts to entertain and temporarily inspire. The way the Torah Portions (weekly readings for the Sabbath based on a cycle from old) lined up with events in my personal life and in the world around me were impossible to ignore. The more forefront they became the more evident it was I was on a path far too relevant to be an afterthought or side note in my existence. Even so…I was still in the fight of my life and had hardly even become aware of it.
II Corinthians 6; 14 Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? 15 Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? 16 Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God; just as God said, “I will dwell in them and walk among them; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. 17 “Therefore, come out from their midst and be separate,” says the Lord. “And do not touch what is unclean; And I will welcome you.18 “And I will be a father to you, And you shall be sons and daughters to Me,” Says the Lord Almighty.
It was difficult to shed all the addictions and shame and sorrow from years of transgression, abuse and selfishness. Very difficult. The more I absorbed the Word, the more I felt accountable to the One I was trying to have a relationship with. I was continually astounded at His hand of protection and love even when I continued to fail and fail and fail and sin. This love is what drew me to the point I reached one night. I felt as though I had failed my husband and cause irreparable damage there, wounds no amount of forgiveness could heal. I felt as though I had failed my children because I was still able to make such terrible choices, still capable of being so anxious and angry. I felt as though I had sullied the name of my King and there was no possible way I could be forgiven for the costly weight of my rebellion and debauchery. The disgust I had with myself grew and grew until I became convinced by the evil one that my life was nothing more than a shameful pile of filth that could never be repaired or mended. I considered that it would be best if I no longer continued to shame those I loved. I considered it was better to end it. Curled in a ball I tossed and turned alone on my living room pull out couch. I despaired and cried then finally I prayed. I asked God to forgive me, the words emerged from my heart: “I know I am not worth it…what do I do? I need You, I need Your help.”
Psalm 56; 8 You have taken account of my wanderings; put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book? 9 Then my enemies will turn back in the day when I call; this I know, that God is for me. 10 In God, whose word I praise, In the Lord, whose word I praise,11 In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me?
It was the same feeling I had as a little girl, as if time had stopped. I was there in the darkness, with a evil force threatening me, invading the light of the King within me…and He met me there. He surrounded me in smoke, it seemed as if the whole room was filled with it. Thicker than I can describe. The same voice that I can not explain, not words I can define but this is what He said to my heart:
“You are not worthless.” “You are mine.” “I have a plan for your life.” “I love you.”
It is the same love that only moments before the father of lies attempted to twist and connive into being an object for guilt and shame. The love that He expressed to me and the notion that I could be a part of His vast magnificent plan tore open my world. I began to make a concerted effort to change. I repented several times a day as the Spirit led me. Identifying many things that had become hidden and ignored. I sought forgiveness from people I had not been in touch with for years. I fell still. Even after beholding the Presence of HaShem in a very real way, I still backslid. One can take a look at the Children of Israel in the wilderness and wonder, “How could it be?” They beheld the Majesty and Sh’kinah glory of the Lord and still continually complained, doubted, rebelled. It is no wonder many will be deceived in the times upon us and the times to come…deluded by miracles. Miracles and wonders serve a purpose…but it is not a miracle or wonder, a room with smoke which can cause a person to truly become born again. I am ashamed in part to even admit that I still faltered after this experience but the perfecting of the Lord within the heart of man is a process…it takes a life time and will never be finished until we are reunited with Him.
Hebrews 12; 18 For you have not come to a mountain that can be touched and to a blazing fire, and to darkness and gloom and whirlwind, 19 and to the blast of a trumpet and the sound of words which sound was such that those who heard begged that no further word be spoken to them. 20 For they could not bear the command, “If even a beast touches the mountain, it will be stoned.” 21 And so terrible was the sight, that Moses said, “I am full of fear and trembling.” 22 But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to myriads of angels, 23 to the general assembly and church of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the Judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, 24 and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood, which speaks better than the blood of Abel. 25 See to it that you do not refuse Him who is speaking. For if those did not escape when they refused him who warned them on earth, much less will we escape who turn away from Him who warns from heaven. 26 And His voice shook the earth then, but now He has promised, saying, “Yet once more I will shake not only the earth, but also the heaven.”
“So when were you saved?”
In this journey I have had a very hard time discerning whom is eligible and qualified enough to make the appointment and assignment and confirmation upon another being, “She’s saved. He’s saved.” The only conclusion I can come to is that no man can. Why? Because we are men, not God. We can not look into a person’s heart, we can not see whether or not a very pious person has true devotion of mind, body and soul. We can not see past a seeming sinner’s wayward works into the depths of a longing, seeking heart where’s God’s name is ultimately written. We are not qualified to do this in my opinion, we can only discern the tree by its fruit. So having had these experiences and astounding revelations of love, when was I saved? It was not at a pinnacle of revelation and wonder, it was not at a depth of hopelessness where there was no way out…it was a quiet Sabbath afternoon. It was a prayer and song of worship which came from the still small and secret place only He could see into. From here I read these words and asked it with sincerity and wholeheartedness…I asked it genuinely believing it could be so, I asked it completely trusting that in time it would come to pass, I asked it with all my heart mind and soul…I asked it in the Name of my King Yeshua and by the power of the Holy Spirit. This is the moment at which I was saved, I know because from here out I abhorred the sin which separated me from Him and sought to banish it from my life. Actively living and walking a relationship as prescribed by the Most qualified Discern-er of Justice and righteousness and holiness of all. The song was during an online service and the words lingered on the screen, just long enough to permeate to my bones. “Renew my days as in the past, the days of my first love.”
Ezekiel 36; 25 Then I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean; I will cleanse you from all your filthiness and from all your idols. 26 Moreover, I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. 27 I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes, and you will be careful to observe My ordinances.
Psalm 51; 3 For I know my transgressions, and my sin is ever before me. 4 Against You, You only, I have sinned And done what is evil in Your sight, So that You are justified when You speak And blameless when You judge. 5 Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, And in sin my mother conceived me. 6 Behold, You desire truth in the innermost being, And in the hidden part You will make me know wisdom.7 Purify me with hyssop, and I shall be clean; Wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. 8 Make me to hear joy and gladness, Let the bones which You have broken rejoice. 9 Hide Your face from my sins And blot out all my iniquities. 10 Create in me a clean heart, O God, And renew a steadfast spirit within me. 11 Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me. 12 Restore to me the joy of Your salvation And sustain me with a willing spirit.
This is what He did. He answered once again. He reminded a grown woman of the heart she once had. The heart who bled out with the pain of her savior on the cross. The heart who believed even when the miracles weren’t evident. The heart of a child in love with Yeshua and so thankful for His sacrifice. The heart of one who believed in the power of the One able to save and to cleanse even the ugliest of sins into light and beauty. The heart who trusts in the capability of a righteous judge to declare ‘not guilty’ the one covered by the blood of the innocent blameless Lamb once and for all. He put within me the heart of a child and I came, born again, saved…His willing and hopeful slave. This is how I come today.
John 3;1 Now there was a man of the Pharisees, named Nicodemus, a ruler of the Jews; 2 this man came to Jesus by night and said to Him, “Rabbi, we know that You have come from God as a teacher; for no one can do these signs that You do unless God is with him.” 3 Jesus answered and said to him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.” 4 Nicodemus *said to Him, “How can a man be born when he is old? He cannot enter a second time into his mother’s womb and be born, can he?” 5 Jesus answered, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the Spirit he cannot enter into the kingdom of God. 6 That which is born of the flesh is flesh, and that which is born of the Spirit is spirit. 7 Do not be amazed that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ 8 The wind blows where it wishes and you hear the sound of it, but do not know where it comes from and where it is going; so is everyone who is born of the Spirit.” 9 Nicodemus said to Him, “How can these things be?” 10 Jesus answered and said to him, “Are you the teacher of Israel and do not understand these things? 11 Truly, truly, I say to you, we speak of what we know and testify of what we have seen, and you do not accept our testimony. 12 If I told you earthly things and you do not believe, how will you believe if I tell you heavenly things? 13 No one has ascended into heaven, but He who descended from heaven: the Son of Man. 14 As Moses lifted up the serpent in the wilderness, even so must the Son of Man be lifted up; 15 so that whoever believes will in Him have eternal life.
What is the point of this testimony?
If only to let someone know they have a sister in this world who can relate to the depths of sin and rebellion, who has endured some of the depravity of physical, mental, emotional abuse. Someone who has experienced selfish living and self destruction, who has suffered having caused betrayal and pain in the lives of many…many who she was supposed to love. I have witnessed the stench of the filth of this world and wallowed in it, I testify that God desired even this sinner and He gave me chance after chance after change to repent. I testify that there is One who will listen and answer if you truly repent and seek forgiveness. I testify that He will love you in a way you never could dream you could be loved. I testify that He believes in the light which He placed within you and that He will cause it to burst out and accomplish things you never could have imagined being a part of. He holds out to you life. Abundance and protection. Here on earth and even better…life eternal with Him, rest and peace and delight which is everlasting and without end. You are not worthy. I am not worthy. He chooses you. He will meet you. He calls to you. By His Will may even one person take this word which is true…and come to know Him. He is real. Believe.
Jeremiah 29; 11 For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope. 12 Then you will call upon Me and come and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart. 14 I will be found by you,’ declares the Lord….
I never asked for a miracle, I never needed the fire and smoke to believe…but He blessed me beyond my expectation. I will spend the rest of my life seeking His will for my existence…for it is no longer in my hands. I surrender everything to my King and Master. May I be a vessel for Your glory and light.
Matthew 16; 24 Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. 25 For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. 26 For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul? 27 For the Son of Man is going to come in the glory of His Father with His angels, and will then repay every man according to his deeds.
Do you want to meet Him? If there’s anything I can do to help, contact me: